Eat a Potato Bitch

The girl next door just found out she was pregnant.
There are so many things wrong with this statement but I will tell you about them all another day.

She and her husband were trying to get pregnant so it was of no surprise to anyone.
She called and said let’s get together for dinner.
I hung up and told Rick, “Hey M’s pregnant.”
He asked., “Is that what she called for, to tell us she was preggers?”

“No. She called to ask us to dinner.”

“How do you get pregnant from that?”

“When has she asked us to dinner? It's usually hey, let’s get together for drinks?”

“Good point – she’s knocked up.”

When they arrived I asked everyone what I could get them to drink she responded with “Water.”
Yep I’m psychic huh?

Instead of waiting until they told us my hubby blurts, “Are you pregnant?”
Her face turned beet red and she said “YES we are.”
I could have killed him right there on the spot– ruining her surprise like that.
He’s such a dufus at times honestly. Yea, I could kill him but I would miss the nut.

Now these kids drive us crazy when it comes to food. We try to NEVER EVER eat with them.
We are foodies and we admit it. A new Thai restaurant opens we want to check it out.
A new Italian place in town – fire up that stone oven and crack open a bottle of Chianti we’re on our way. But these two….Oh .MY. GOD. They will tell you the calorie content in everything and make you feel like shit.

I went out to dinner with them once for her birthday and vowed I would never do that again.
It went like this….
“Did you really want blue cheese dressing that is not low fat Peggy?”

“Why yes indeedy I sure did!”

“Do you know that there are over a days worth of calories in that steak?”

“Can you take your blonde skinny ass home or shut the fuck up?”
Okay I didn’t really say that I was just dreaming I did.

So hubby and I will no longer go out to dinner with them – it’s a pain in the ass big time.
They came home from a weekend away for their anniversary.
We asked how the hotel was and how was the show etc. They told us that on the night of their anniversary they ate at Ruth Chris Steak House and had steaks with a blue cheese compound butter topping. They said it was really good. I couldn’t believe my ears. I swear they just said steak, cheese and butter and they ate it.
I really wanted to ask if they threw up afterwards but thought that might be a bit snarky so I refrained.

But then they went on to explain how they had to go to the gym afterwards before they headed back to the hotel. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT?
They went on about how many calories they consumed and how they needed to work it off for an hour. Now is it just me or would you work it off by rip roaring hanging from the chandelier sex on your anniversary? Aah shucks everyone I know would rather get on the stairmaster. Yea, I can just hear my husband now…..no dear not tonight I have to go work out and burn those calores from that butter and lobster. I swear if he told me that I would think he was cheating on me for sure! Exercise over sex? It's amazing that she is even pregnant!

So this week at dinner while she moved her food around her plate she said that the doctor told her she has to eat so much more now that she is pregnant. She said the following statement in complete and utter exasperation, “I have to eat 100 more calories right now – 100 more a day!” (even typing that makes me laugh my fat ass off)
Rick being ever the smart ass said, “My, oh my, how ever will you be able to do that?”
I laughed and said, “eat a couple oreo’s for God’s sake and it’s over.”

But she was not happy about this. "I don’t want to be fat" is all she kept whining. I bit my tongue most of the evening but then finally I had had it and said, “This is not about you being fat, this isn't even about you anymore this is about feeding and nourishing a baby for God’s sake!”

This shall be an interesting 9 months.

I guess that is why God didn’t give me kids – he/she knew I’d eat for 2 or 3 and enjoy the living hell out of it and then bitch that I couldn’t lose the weight. But my God Ben and Jerry are the only men I’d leave my husband for and damn it there is nothing that comes between me and my boys - certainly not pregnancy!

Drop Dead Diva

I really thought that the new show Drop Dead Diva would be a bit hokie and sappy.
First of all it was on Lifetime television.
Generally I find the movies and shows on that channel to be women as victims movies.
They make me roll my eyes and scream - "Get a spine woman!"

But it was getting good reviews and while summer is endless in it's drivel on TV I tivo'd this so I could catch it later when nothing was on TV.

I watched it last night. I was blown away by how good it was. The young woman playing the lead was fantastic. (Brooke Elliott) And it was not an easy role. It was much deeper than I thought it would be. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I also thought she was cute. See for yourself....

It sounds like a typical chick Lifetime show that would be light and fluffy but it wasn't as light and sappy as it could have been. Here is what I read and thought, Oh Jeez not another one.

"Vapid blond model Deb (Brooke D'Orsay) is killed in a car accident but returns to life in the body of smart, plus-size attorney Jane Bingum"(Brooke Elliott) Initially horrified at her new body, Deb finds the meaning of inner beauty as she summons the smarts to juggle legal cases, aided by her assistant (Margaret Cho), and reconnects incognito with her still-grieving boyfriend.

So you can see why I was surprised to see such depth and humor in this show. It's more of a dramady. I'm not sure I would say it is as good as Rescue Me but I really liked the characters and I wanted to see it again to see what happens to them and how they grow. If she had turned into a bimbo or they used the weight issue constantly it would have bored the hell out of me.

If you get to see the premiere episode where the back story is all laid out - check it out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised too. Is it great? Not at all. But what are your choices this summer? Wipeout? Another bimbo looking for a husband...err the Bachelorette?

And now that I have said all this about the show and put it out there I imagine episode 2 will suck and I will have egg on my face - which will make me want to brownies and it will be Lifetime's fault!

I think my Dog and Husband are cahoots!

Okay my dog has learned how to fuck with me.
This my husband finds funny as hell….me not so much.

Our dog was housebroken rather quickly. At least I think it was quick. I never had a dog before. She had it down in a week. Truth be told she rather taught us more than the other way around.

Oh at first being the anal retentive person I am I wanted no accidents on white carpet or accidents anywhere actually. I don’t like things out of place or messy. Oh boy has that changed quickly. I read how to take her out to walk as soon as she is up for a nap and after she eats etc. so that she can pee/poo and not have an accident. The book said that the owner had to watch her and do all the guessing about her bowels. Great, this is what my life has become.….sounds like a rip roaring good time to me.

I believe that logic only sounds reasonable in the book. But I have found my diva dog has a routine all her own…..she must yawn and stretch and scratch before she goes out. She has to take a few laps around the kitchen island and sniff at her food bowl before she is ready for any such walk. Take her out immediately upon waking from a nap and she will just go outside and lay down and not walk no matter what you do, say or how hard you pull. I have looked like an idiot out there squatting in front of my house pulling, talking, coaxing, begging, etc.

Within the next week or so she took to sitting by the front door every time she had to go out.
Now this is well and good if I am downstairs. However I live in a 3 floor townhome. My office is on the 2nd floor. I work from home; therefore, I am always on the 2nd floor. My office is a loft so I can hear what is going on downstairs. But I can’t tell if she is sitting by the door or not. If I am on the phone with a customer I don’t notice it is quiet down there until it is too late. So there were 2 accidents. So we got bells for the front door. Everyone swore by these damn bells. I figured what the hell have I got to lose besides my sanity….I would give ‘em a try.

We trained Izzy to hit the bells with her nose if she needed to go out. You were to say 3 times, “Izzy do you have to go potty, ring the bells.” For some reason I feel like an ass saying this 3 times but okay I’ll try it. These bells hang from a ribbon and are attached to the front door handle. We got them on a Monday afternoon and by Tuesday morning she had the hang of it. By Wednesday I realized I had a hustler on my hands.

I was on the phone with a customer and I heard the bells. I couldn’t get this customer off the phone fast enough. I run downstairs and sure enough she had to go. YIPEE.
We had a very quick walk and came back to the house. I went upstairs after a few minutes of playing with her and some squeaky toys. As I was at my desk I could hear her squeaky toys and knew she was playing. Next thing I know she is ringing the bells again.
Really you have to go only 15 minutes later?
I run downstairs and she is by the door sitting there so regal straight and tall like she is damn proud of herself. Actually I was too.

Off we go to have her do her business but she grabs a stick and begins to frolic on the grass. I realized she did not have to go but that she has figured out that these bells will get me to go outside with her. I bring her back in and play with her for a bit and let calls go to voicemail. She tires out and takes a nap. Whew.

Back to work I go. I have so many calls to return and I am almost caught up when I hear the bells again. Now I am figuring she couldn’t possibly have to go again for God’s sake but she did just have a nap and the book says…...
So I yelled to her to come. She comes barreling up the steps and she is in her frantic pee-pee dance mode. Okay you really have to go. So outside we go again. And she did have to go. Now I am feeling badly that I doubted her. This dog is going to drive me crazy.

Seriously only 5 minutes later she rings the bells again. I am about ready to rip those bells off the door. I am not going down there she is just fucking with me and she wants to play. I continue to work. Another 5 minutes go by. This time she REALLY rings them – like a huge bang, bang, bang against the door. It startled me. I imagine it was her way of yelling, “open this damn door woman and get off your fat ass.”

I’m thinking if I go down there and she doesn’t have to go then I’ll be pissed. If I don’t go down there and assume she doesn’t have to go and she poo’s in the foyer then I’ll be pissed. I don’t know what to do. So I bite and go downstairs.

Once I get to the front door she again is sitting there all pretty and regal waiting on me to put on her leash. I say, “do you have to go potty, ring the bells” And she does. Off we go. And making me feel like the worst dog owner ever she poo’s. Now I am thinking, “you couldn’t do that a bit ago when you peed Izzy, we walked for a long time and you never had to go?” Aargh. I am getting no work done today at all.

This went on all day – the bells, me running, sometimes for a real reason, sometimes she just wanted to get a stick. I went up and down these stairs all day long and I never knew if I could trust the bells or she was just playing me like a fiddle.

This went on for 3 days. FINALLY now we have that behavior squashed. She stopped doing it unless she has to go out. I guess as she gets older she is getting it.

In the mean time my legs are getting a damn great work out.

Me and My Lousy Service

I swear there is a neon sign over my head that says, "Give me poor customer service"

The thing is I am more than polite and courteous when dealing with people because I have had to deal with people my whole career and well, I hate them. So I am pleasant and patient and kind - you know all the things I am not generally in my personal life.....ask my husband....tee hee

My husband and I wanted this 14' x 50' area outside the lower level (daylight basement) area of our lake home to be rid of all the grass. We dug it up....."we" meaning my big strong strapping hubby dug it up. It became way too much for him. Our idea was to make this a fire pit area.
An area to put our colorful adirondak chairs and the fire pit. The deeper he dug the more he realized he was taking on more than he could do alone. I was useless because he wouldn't let me dig. I had a few back surgeries and sometime he treats me like a piece of china....but I digress.

Then the old man next door came over with his back hoe and finished digging down far enough and got it all out. So we had a big ole mud pit. He then put on that black landscaping paper to prevent weeds etc. We went to the stone "store" and picked out the crush and run and the other stuff for the top. When we got there I swear to you that Larry, Darryl and Darryl (remember them from Newhart?) were the derelicts waiting on us. They informed us that the 30 + tons that we were purchasing they would not deliver. Gee, ya think that might fit in our Toyota Highlander? Damn.

So we ask if they know anyone who would pick this up and deliver. The 3 looked at each other and nodding like they just read each others simple minds say, "yep"
Gee could you give us their name and number? Again, the 3 of them looked at one another and then nodded and said, "yep"

I began to laugh and had to put my head down because they didn't even move to get us this name and number they just said YEP and stood there and stared at us. My husband then asked if they could, "please write it down on a piece of paper and give it me right now if you wouldn't mind." THEN they did as they were told. I think there may have been inbreeding here. Honestly!

I love going to the lake house but I could NEVER live down there with all those damn hillbilly's. They are frustrating as well as funny as hell. Okay we call this guy to go pick this stuff up and deliver to us he says he will and gives us a date. Never happened. We call again....he says he will do it on this date.....NEVER showed up. Then he stops taking our calls. So there we are with a hole in the back yard and company coming. Oh goodie.

We then call a landscaper and bite the bullet because we know this is going to cost us money we don't have. The landscaper gives us a bid and we cringe but how the hell else are we going to get this done? Move forward a week now and he calls us to tell us that he just went over and checked the job and he doesn't think this is what we wanted. He asked that when we get there over the 4th to check it out and call him with our thoughts. OMG! Now remember we wanted something to put our chairs on and sit around the firepit and make some s'mores etc. THEY WERE FUCKING BOULDERS PEOPLE! NO SHIT - @#$#% BOULDERS. My dog wouldn't walk across this and I couldn't walk across this without twisting an ankle. We were livid. So here we go again.

I called them back and told Kent, lead Hillbilly Landscaper, that this was completely unacceptable. He explains what happened. I said, "It's done now so let's move on. How soon can it be fixed because we have a month of guests." "Well I imagine in a week or two, maybe 3." I do not blow my top but inside I am seething.
I ask that if you can't do this soon I think it is fair to ask for a discount for this inconvenience. There was silence. I have learned that the one who talks first loses so I am saying nothing, nada. I imagine he is looking at 2 other local yocals and they are all nodding and will say, "of course" But nothing but silence for a very long time. Kent then says, "I can try to consider it."

TRY? I said, "Kent, this was to be done a month ago and the you promised me that we would love it and have it for the 4th. We let that slide without every complaining. We have been patient. Now you tell me because you did not see what your men loaded on the truck they made a mistake. This mistake is inconvenient for me and causing me grief. I have people coming with children. I do not want them to get hurt. It's hard to walk around this when you have to go over it to head to the lake. And now you're asking me to wait for another 3 weeks or more. I don't think asking for some type of compensation for this is out of line."

Kent repeats."I can consider it."

"No, I'm sorry I don't think that is good enough Kent. How would it fly if when you asked for the deposit I told you I'd consider it? Or better yet how would it fly if on the day of final payment I told you I would have to consider it?"

He laughed and said, "What if I get it done by end of next week?"

" I can live with that Kent. Thank you very much!"

He called me this morning to let me know that they are putting 2 kinds of surface river rock on my porch so when we arrive Thursday night we can choose what one we prefer. Then we are to call them and by then he'll have an exact date.

Something tells me this is going to be an ongoing issue.
Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday America

I'm heading to the lake

I thought I would end with a picture of my newest baby sleeping on Rick's stinky work sneakers.

I took this last weekend at the lake house.

Have a safe and Happy 4th of July!

..... if you need a giggle and want to know what my weekend will be like you can refer to May 27 2008 - I'm sure it will be similiar....different story but my hubby will do something crazy.

Numbnuts...err Mr. Numbnuts to you.

Gov. Mark Sanford is an idiot.
Not because he had an affair.
Not because he lied to his family, his constituents, his office staff, but because he won’t shut the fuck up!
Good Grief did he get fucked senseless while in Argentina?

How dumb can you be? Oh, I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail.
Doesn’t matter that I am not on vacation and due at work but I’ll tell my staff that just the same. Dumb ass lie number 1.
Then he gets caught and he says this woman in Argentina is his soul mate, he loves her.
BUT he will try to fall back in love with his wife now that he has been caught.
Oh what a keeper this guy is.
Mrs. Sanford – RUN FOR YOU LIFE IF YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF SELF ESTEEM!!

Listen, I don’t know what goes on in other peoples homes. I do not know what deals they make. but how in God’s name can you stand by this idiot when he has proclaimed that this other woman is his soul mate but he will try to fall back in love with you. WTF is that about?

Now he is rambling on about how many times he has crossed the line. Okay maybe his wife has a different line that is her limit vs. my line in the sand but still should he not just shut up and stop humiliating his wife, family and himself any further? This is what I would refer to as Exhibit A – “Numbnuts.”

I will say it was nice to see that Mrs. Sanford didn’t “stand by her man” when Numbnuts was on the podium confessing he wasn’t really hiking in the Appalachian Trail, but instead doing the dance of love in Argentina. I can not for the life of me understand that behavior of a wife who has been wronged. (as I have stated in the former blog on 3/12/08 with Mrs Spitzer)

If you wish to move forward and forgive him that is okay by me and your prerogative but why the hell would you stand there like an adoring wife who has had a lobotomy while he tells the world he has a soul mate that is not you or he has been humping a young girl 25 yrs your junior. I may forgive him (well not this nut job) but you'd never find me on that podium!
No siree – no way no how.

Michael Jackson.....yet again

Hey am I the only one who wishes all this friggin' coverage of MJ was over with all ready?

C'mon! Do we really need the 1st hour of GMA, Today etc to spend on this topic? Must every friggin' show be about his odd life, dysfunctional family?

He was weird. He had a few decades of good music that meant something to a good deal of people. He was also scary, odd, self absorbed, manipulative, possibly criminal, and not a good friend if you ask Paul McCartney.

So let's call it like it is....it was sad, he died, he was young. We reported it, we saw it on TV for a several days - NOW ENOUGH ALREADY!

Okay, let the mean emails to me begin.